Shannon Storms Beador is mad at Heather Dubrow, Emily Simpson and Gina Kirschenheiter.
Gina is mad at Shannon. Tamra Judge isn’t mad at anyone, but the others would be mad at her if they knew how she was stirring up trouble.
And Taylor Armstrong wants to get them all around the same table and then hand them each a very sharp knife?
“Let’s carve some pumpkins and try not to stab each other with the carving tools,” Taylor cheerfully says as she invites her castmates to a fall-themed party during Wednesday’s episode on “The Real Housewives of Orange County“.
Worry not. Only the pumpkins get shanked during the episode.
You’ll recall that in recent weeks Shannon has been variable degrees of irate at Heather, Emily and Gina for gossiping about Shannon’s relationship with her boyfriend John.
We have seen Shannon shout that their gossip will be the end of that relationship. We have seen Shannon yell at the producers and crew that if they don’t turn off the cameras and erase the footage her future with John is gone.
Unfortunately, we have also seen her talk about her relationship with John over and over again – this week with Tamra – and tell the world, or at least that portion of which have nothing better to do than watch “Real Housewives,” about her issues with John.
“I’m not going to talk about every argument,” Shannon says – and that’s a good start! “I’m not. I’m not. I love John. But I’ll be honest with you” – uh-oh – “I get really upset with John” – oh no! “when John and I don’t spend a lot of time together.”
John doesn’t spend enough time with her. He’s always leaving her house to go check on his dog or because he’s got to get up early the next day. He thinks Shannon’s house is too chaotic what with her three teenage daughters and all. They’ve never taken a vacation together just the two of them.
“There’s a part of me that says, ‘Is he really in it?’” Shannon continues, as Tamra nods sympathetically, taking it all in for future reference.
“Shannon and John’s not talking about marriage is a big red flag,” Tamra later tells the camera. “They’ve been together three years, and no talk of marriage at their age?”
Meanwhile, Gina has a beef of her own with Shannon. On the previous episode, Shannon said that had she not stepped in with an attorney to help when Gina got busted for DUI, well, Shannon speculates, Gina might have lost custody of her kids.
Tonight, confronted at the pumpkin-carving table, Shannon flat out denies she said any such thing, surely knowing that the producers were gonna drop the receipts – footage of Shannon saying exactly that just four days before – like a truth grenade in her lap.
“Never said it. God strike me dead,” Shannon declares, prompting Tamra to joke to the camera that she might not want to stand so close to Shannon for a bit.
“I didn’t talk about Travis,” she continues, referencing Gina’s boyfriend Travis.
“The penis comment?” Tamra softly says, helpfully nudging Shannon to remember.
“Of course, you’re going to say that,” Shannon sighs. “Don’t say that.”
No need to say it! The videotape reveals exactly what Shannon said, sending the housewives into a tizzy of talk about their boyfriends and husbands and the manhood each has.
It’s almost as tasteful as the scene moments earlier when the pumpkin-carving consultant asked them to cut a hole in the bottoms of their pumpkins, which sent them chattering about carving – well, maybe that part of the pumpkin’s anatomy is best left unspecified.
“I didn’t say they were ladies,” Taylor apologized to the pumpkin expert. “I just said they were women.”
Shannon and Gina agree to move on, though apparently that doesn’t apply to what they say in the privacy of their homes for future broadcast to millions.
“If you can say things that are that (bleepin’) hurtful, and then not even remember you said it, you need to check yourself into rehab,” Gina tells the camera later.
Here’s what else went down on Wednesday night:
— Heather and Terry Dubrow finalize the sale of their house for $55 million.
“Fifty-five million isn’t (bleep) you money; it’s (bleep) everybody you’ve known money,” Terry says.
“The fact that I had the perfect bottle of Dom Perignon chilling? Best moment ever,” Heather says. “It’s the 2012. You know I don’t like the ’10. The ’10 wasn’t good.”
At $280 a bottle at the liquor store, the 2012 Dom had better be good. She just sold her house for enough money to buy 196,429 bottles of it.
— Emily has decided to learn to ride a motorcycle so she invites Gina to meet her at the Harley-Davidson store to shop for helmets. When she finds one she likes she can barely get it on.
“It says it’s an extra large,” Emily mutters as Gina laughs so hard she announces she might pee her pants. “Do I have an extra-large head?”
— Tamra is worried about her love life with husband Eddie Judge.
“I have to ask you,” she tells him as they work out at the gym. “There’s no porn, there’s no lingerie, there’s no sex toys. Are we just getting stale?”
Eddie allows that maybe some new lingerie might spice things up. And then he goes someplace weird even for this couple.
“You want me to come in like Conan?” he says without specifying whether that’s The Warrior or O’Brien. “In a leather vest, with a sword, and just go, ‘C’mon, baby?’”
Tamra is direct: “No. That doesn’t do it for me.”
Lingerie it is, then.
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